I need a creative outlet that doesn't involve watching tv and eating
Like really really stupid. I’m almost amazed at the stupidity of people. As you may or may not know, but I feel like I’ve made it explicitly clear, my self-summary in my OkCupid profile is the synopsis of Dirty Dancing in the first person. Now normally when a moron messages me asking if my tale is true, I don’t respond. WHAT IGNORANCE IT IS TO NOT KNOW THE HOLINESS THAT IS DIRTY DANCING! But this time I decided to respond, and the conversation was magical. Enjoy.
Check out my published work below! You won’t be disappointed :D
Anonymous said: i feel like i've seen you naked before. have you ever been in a porn?
Yeah, it’s what I do in my spare time. You can find me in Backdoor Sluts 9.
These lyrics, Immortalized by The Friends of Distinction come to mind when I think of Kenny. And to be honest, no, I can’t dig it. In fact, I hate it. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Back in late December I opened an account on OkCupid. One hipster’s profile kept popping up in my search feed, and I’d click on him every time, forgetting I wasn’t interested. So I’d click on his profile, scroll through his pictures and remember, “Oh, this guy isn’t cute at all. DAMN IT, he’s going to see I looked at his page!” Alas, it was too late. After one too many clicks he ultimately messaged me, but of course I ignored him.
Fast forward a few months to mid February. I was out with a friend at the local coffee shop. Being a die hard cappuccino fan, I ordered my regular and of course needed to take a photo of the pretty foam art because I’m pretentious and an instagram abuser. When the barista, Kenny, noticed me taking a photo, he told me to tag him in it. I graciously did, and I even followed him as a good gesture. How else I was I to become a regular at Augie’s if I didn’t make my presence known to the staff? So of course he liked the photo, we exchanged a bit of witty banter, and that was that.
Then I began to notice something. Kenny started liking all of my photos. “Kenny_dig_it liked your photo” became a constant pop-up on my phone. At first it was nice, friendly. I even liked a few of his photos back because I can’t resist a good cat photo. But then his instagram stalking became a bit excessive. If you know me at all, you’d know that I post 1 to 3 photos a day. I can’t help it. I’m obsessed with my cat and telling the world the useless shit I’m doing. So keep in mind that the month is February. Then one day, I came across the fateful “Kenny_dig_it liked your photo” reminder. And to my horror, he had liked a photo, a selfie in fact, DATING ALL THE WAY BACK TO DECEMBER. He had to have scrolled through between 40 and 60 photos to get to that one. Granted, it’s not difficult to stalk and scroll through photos on instagram, but the act of physically clicking like, on a selfie no less, is totally pushing the boundaries onto creepy territory.
I was officially weirded out by my creepy stalker barista man who clearly seemed interested in me. But every time he liked a photo, I’d show my friend and we’d laugh and laugh and laugh and have a jolly good time of it.
Now I was still following him, for entertainment purposes of course, when I came across a photo of him and his mom. On my college campus. Because he goes to grad school here. THAT’S WHEN IT CLICKED. Kenny Dig It is the hipster weirdo who messaged me on OK Cupid many moons ago! HOW EASILY I FORGOT! Also how weirded out I was incase he knew who I was, and just decided to not say anything. Although it was exciting that something in my life came full circle.
From this I have derived that either the universe is telling me that he’s my soul mate, or it’s telling me to find a new coffee shop. I think I’ll go with the latte(r). (HA! GET IT? Get it? But seriously guys, get it?)
It was kindergarten. Jason wanted to be my boyfriend, but Brianna really liked him and I didn’t even want a boyfriend (‘cause I’m all independent and shit) so I tried setting them up. I told Jason that he should be Brianna’s boyfriend but he didn’t like her! He liked me. So that was how I got my first boyfriend. Take a tip boys, never leave her alone and she won’t be able to resist!*
*might end with you being pepper sprayed in the face and a restraining order.
On the 100th day of school I remember counting Cheerios with Jason. We had to fill our cups with 100 Cheerios because that’s how you celebrate school. Not sure why we don’t still do that. I think being congratulated with cereal should be an every day occurrence. But I digress, so I turned to Jason and whispered in his ear, “are you still my boyfriend?” And he whispered “yes” and I was infinitely happy.
Summer came and went, and upon arriving to the first day of first grade, I wore a swanky blue flair skirt and a shirt that tied up around my waist (slut), and Jason was out front playing freeze-tag. I eagerly exclaimed “hi Jason!” But he didn’t respond. That’s when I knew it was over. That jerk. And then once in 4th grade it was pajama day and he wore turquoise pajamas with shorts that were too short and he looked stupid. I also found him on Facebook a couple weeks ago and the poor guy didn’t age very well. Sorry Jason, but I’m over you, so don’t even try coming back to alllllllll 5’1* of this!
One last thing: One day Brianna and I were waiting in a single file line and wondered what it would be like to touch tongues. So we poked the tip of our tongues very lightly together for a split second and then cringed and said “ew.”
God, I was a whore.
On the eve of December 21st, I was wearing an orange flannel shirt with gold studs, black leggings and rust colored boots. After all, I was at a party celebrating the end of the world. Little did the Mayans know that we’d use their prediction as an excuse to get wasted and make bad decisions. Luckily for me, I had a flannel shirt, and I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that if there were ever to be an apocalypse, it would be mandatory that people dressed in flannel. I’m not sure who would implement this rule, considering the world would be overrun by zombies, robots, aliens, water, or whathaveyou, and the government probably wouldn’t be much of help anymore, but it’s guaranteed there would never be a shortage of flannel, just watch any apocalyptic film for further proof. So I was feeling pretty confident in my apocalyptic uniform, the outfit I had agreed to die in, when I saw my cousin. This bitch was decked out in a bikini top, vest, leather gloves, fishnet stockings with a handy dandy weapon by her side. Clearly I should have gone for bad-assery rather than functional. I felt unprepared and meekly asked to borrow a weapon. Luckily she has an orange and grey plastic gun lying around. As the people ushered in, the outfits got crazier and the weapons more extreme. People were wearing trench coats with big goggles attached to their heads, wielding huge nerf guns and swords. They brought survival packs, and one guy even brought a machete with his rifle waiting in the car. A little excessive if you ask me, but I guess you can never be too prepared? I on the other hand, brought mints. So worst case scenario while everyone is kicking zombie ass, or doing their best Kevin Costner impression, I can be the girl that says “Hey you guys, I know we’re in the middle of an apocalypse, but none of your dumbasses brought a toothbrush or toothpaste. Take a mint, seriously.” Then everyone would proceed to thank me and make me the apocalypse queen (this is my story, just go with it).
After a while of schmoozing and drinking, an incredibly cute guy walked through the door. That’s when I learned he was my cousin’s new
After leaving the party that night, I decided I wanted to make myself an OkCupid profile. For years I have been dating the wrong people, getting my heart broken far too many times and slowly accepting the fact that I’d die alone under a mound of cookie dough wrappers surrounded by a dozen cats. As Hannah Horvath once said, “I have been dating someone that treats my heart like it’s monkey meat. I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time so I need to learn what it’s like to be treated well before it’s too late for me.” This quote perfectly described previous relationships I had been in. Hannah gets me you guys, she really does (said me and the million of other people who watch Girls and can identify with the needy, clever, neurotic and imperfect protagonist).
The first step to creating my OkCupid profile was filling out the section entitled, “My self-summary.” Just seeing the words “my self-summary” makes me cringe. How can you fill out your entire personality in a little box for the world to see? Well, the answer was surprisingly easy, just lie! It was like I had found a major loophole. I could lie in a way that was obvious as well as show people a bit of my personality. So in that box, this is what I typed:
“They call me Baby. One summer I went to camp with my family. Thats when I fell for the dance instructor. When his dance partner got pregnant and needed an abortion, I volunteered to fill in for her even though I didn’t even know where to begin. It was all so exciting, our blossoming forbidden love and sequence of dance montages. Tragically, the abortion left the poor girl in a sickened state. Luckily, my father (conveniently being a doctor) saved her life, but my lover ended up being fired. But then I declared to my family my love for Johnny, he took me out of the corner, and we danced for everyone. It was the time of my life.
The idea of writing a summary about myself in this tiny box is daunting.”
As you hopefully could have guessed, this was a first person summary of Dirty Dancing. As you probably didn’t guess, more than half the people who view my profile send me a message saying something to the effect of “Hey Baby! Sounds like you had a crazy summer!” which is actually quite beneficial in helping me weed out the idiots. This now brings me to my next segment I’d like to call, The Worst Messages I’ve Ever Received. Starting with, CharminItalian. (Note: All of the compiled messages are verbatim, spelling and grammar errors included. The offenders’ messages are on the left, while my responses, if any are made, are on the right.)
“do you like adam levine”
“That’s a random question. Why?”
“well i was going to ask if you would believe me if i said i was his cousin”
“Is that a pick up line that ever works on girls?”
“ha thats pretty bold, what if i am telling the truth”
“Hey baby :)”
“No. Put a shirt on. And don’t flip off the camera. You’ll never get a lady acting like that.”
“Id put a shirt on for you :)”
More like Sactown’s douchiest bro.
“your lower lip is magnificent! . the shape is goddess like!”
“Just wanted to say ur hot and if u ever need a sugar daddy to spoil u with presents or spending cash lol let me know cause ur 2 hot 2 not have one lol”
“Ugh no. That’s not how you compliment women.”
This 38 year old may not be old enough to be my father, but he’s too damn old, and gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Not a big McDonald’s fan?”
Hellou1234 must get all of the ladies, considering his user picture is a snapshot of his checking account with a balance of $51,386.62. Who in their right mind would put THAT much money in a checking, not even a savings, but a checking account?! Also, McDonalds. That is all.
“You are such a dork, I love it! Our children are going to be hilarious. ;)”
What better way to a woman’s heart than by planning your future together without her consent?
“Shit, I don’t think there’s enough random cat pictures on your profile for it to be legit. Only then can we go on a romantic date to McDonald’s, where we will smuggle alcohol with us, get fucked up in the ball pit and pass out.”
No. No. No. No no no no no no no. No.
“hey :) can i rub nutella on your booty?”
Unfortunately for this guy, I just had someone else rub nutella on my booty. What are chances?!
“X(((:) sending you a fish as a sign of our frndship, plz take care of it & daily place your cell in the water so that the fish won’t die…& we can be frnds forever….”
This 29 year old fella was one of the worst of them all. He had sent a message the previous day, and one more the next. This stage five clinger was definitely put on my blocked list. Also I never put my cell phone in water so I’m 100% sure I killed the tiny water breather ensuring we would never ever be friends. Ever.
Unfortunately for this next guy, I accidentally cut his name off of the message. But this was one of the rudest messages I had received.
“A girl with a sense of humour. Now I’ve seen everything.”
“That’s really offensive.”
“That was the point.”
“A guy who’s an asshole. How unique.”
I just couldn’t let him get away with being a jerk without having to throw my two cents in aka giving him a metaphorical kick to the groin.
Let me just reiterate this 29 year old’s screen name. JUST. LIKE. DADDY.
“Like to meet you you look hot like to chat”
Judging from his profile picture, I’m pretty convinced he had tiny animals living in that facial deformity he called a beard.
Are you all as currently horrified and want to puke up all of your insides like I do at this moment? Good, that’s exactly what I was going for. You may be beginning to ask yourselves, “WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THIS ACCOUNT?” Good question my dear readers, good question. I’ve actually deleted my account many times, but it’s like an abusive relationship. OkCupid says, “Baby I’m sorry! It’ll never happen again, you’ll only meet good people this time, I promise!” So then I reluctantly agree to come back and the first message I receive is a from a woman who says, “hello there ummm you into any thing fun that your Down todo maybe? I’m trying to see about finding a girl To be friends with that might be down to fuck guys with me :) I also got my own house :)” While her offer was tempting, I mean she has her own house, I’d rather sit and listen to Taylor Swift cry and tell me about all of her break ups, multiple times, for hours on end. I’ve had many years of practice thanks to my sister. Bring it, T-Swift.
But don’t get me wrong, OkCupid isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve been on a few dates from it so far. One was a Jew (of course) who happened to know a few of my friends (obviously), so the good news was he couldn’t murder me since everyone would know who did it. The date looked promising. We texted non stop for a couple weeks before having the free time to meet up. When we finally met for dinner, I was instantly disappointed. He wasn’t as handsome as he was in his photos, his posture was terrible, and he laughed like a middle aged rich white male who owned a yacht. The date went fine, we lost miserably at Trivia Night, our team name was Hot For Hillary’s Blood Clot, but we drank some beers and had a decent conversation. By the end of the night he had driven me back to his place (his parents’ place) where my car was parked. We sat uncomfortably in front seat, trying to make small talk. It seemed as though a good night kiss was inevitable and there was no way to get out of it. He made some dumb joke about being batman and then leaned over and kissed me. His tongue was literally licking the roof of my mouth. I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. As you could guess, there was no second date.
The next date I went on was with a girl, which was also my first ever girl date. It was hers too so we were both pretty nervous. But we had coffee, did a lot of laughing, ate thai food and took a hike through foggy Oak Glen. After driving her home, we shared a really nice end of the date kiss in the car. Then I found out she had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship in which they were engaged for 2, he had just moved out of their home, and he had to carpool her to work every day since they shared a car. Needless to say, there was no second date, but I did come to accept my sexuality so that’s positive, right guys? Right?
The last date I went on that’s worth mentioning is Daniel. Dear, sweet, Jewish, Daniel (how do they always find me?!) He’s 26 and works designing video games. He’s an uber-geek-Star-Wars-loving-cat-hoarder, so he was right up my alley. And by cat hoarder, I literally mean cat hoarder. He had just bought a kitten who as it turns out, was pregnant with more kittens. Kittens having kittens. MTV should make a show out of that one, they’d make millions. We met up for lunch and had a really nice time, arguing about how he loved Les Mis and how it made him cry, and how I wished I died in the French Revolution so I would have never had to witness the travesty that was Les Mis. Then he asked if I wanted to come to his place to meet all five kittens. That’s when I pushed our dirty plates, drinks and silverware onto the floor, spread out on the table and said “Take me!” in the middle of the restaurant.*
I met him at his place and then gushed for about 20 minutes over his kittens. Could he be the one? And as it goes, we shared an end of the date kiss where our teeth clashed and his lips felt small and hardened. It was awkward and uncomfortable, the perfect man with kittens COULD NOT KISS. I left feeling deflated. I’d only been on three dates so far but it was emotionally exhausting. I vowed to never see him again, but he kept texting me and sending me really adorable cat videos. I was weak to the kittens! After about 2 weeks of texting, I decided to see him again, hoping the kissing would improve. We went on a wonderful date that consisted of the LA Sunset, a fancy dinner, a parody play entitled “Terminator Too: Judgement Play” and copious amounts of alcohol. We spent the night together which was great the first round, okay the second, and not good and entirely sober the third. Remember the scene in the season finale of Girls when Adam and Natalia are having the most uncomfortable sex you’ve ever witnessed? Yeah. We were Adam and Natalia. You may think I’d have ended things there, right? Nope! Because I’m stupid and always believe there’s room for improvement. The next weekend he drove up to visit me in Redlands. It turns out that no matter how great of a personality you have, you won’t always be physically compatible with everyone. He did this one move during sex where if I was on top, it was like I had asked a question he didn’t know the answer to and was stuck permanently shrugging. Try and picture that. You’re having sex with someone and they’re permanently shrugging at you so their neck disappears. It was really weird and sadly unforgivable. We still keep in touch and talk from time to time, and I’m doing my best to not further lead him on. He’s just so adorable, charming, intelligent and funny, if he just changed everything else about himself we’d be perfect for eachother.
The moral of the story is, OkCupid is a horribly addictive place that you shouldn’t get your hopes up for. I guess I’m an eternal optimist, hoping that one day I will go on a decent date, but until then I’m just wasting my time stalking other people’s profiles, seeing if they know the answer to my favorite question to judge people on, “In the line ‘Wherefore art thou Romeo?’, what does wherefore mean?” while asking myself every day, “what am I still doing on this site?”